After a few years, many couples' conversations are mostly about daily life: who's doing pickup, what you're having for dinner, which bills need paying. That's not strange, but it means you stop getting to know each other. Questions that go deeper can change that.
An experiment from 1997 shows why. Pairs of strangers spent 45 minutes taking turns answering questions that grew more and more personal. Afterward, they felt closer to each other than pairs who had spent the same time on ordinary small talk. What made the difference was that the questions got deeper gradually and that both people answered.
Choose your path based on where you are:
- One question at dinner if your conversations have gotten stuck in logistics.
- Questions in three rounds if you want to try the whole format one evening.
- Ask about what went well if you mostly talk about problems.
- One evening a month if you want to take it further.
A first step tonight: ask your partner what the best part of their day was, then ask why.
After a few years, many couples' conversations are mostly about daily life: who's picking up the kids, what you're having for dinner, which bills need paying. That's not strange. Everyday life demands a lot. But when your conversations are only about logistics, you stop getting to know each other, and you can end up feeling lonely next to the person you live with. This article looks at what a famous experiment says about questions that go deeper and why they work, and it gives you four ways to start.
The 36 questions experiment
In 1997, Aron and colleagues set out to see whether closeness between people could be created in a short time. The participants were strangers who were paired up. For 45 minutes, they took turns answering 36 questions in three rounds, and with each round the questions became more personal. The first ones were about things like what makes a perfect day. Toward the end, they were about family, close relationships and embarrassing memories.
The pairs who answered these questions felt closer to each other afterward than pairs who had been given the same amount of time for small talk. In later studies, it made no difference whether the partners shared the same opinions, whether they thought the other person would like them, or whether they had been told to try to get close. It was the format itself that worked.
- They start easy No one has to open up right away.
- They go deeper step by step Each answer makes the next question easier to answer.
- Both people answer Whoever opens up gets something back.
The experiment became famous as a way to fall in love in 45 minutes, but that was never the point. The researchers wanted to create a temporary feeling of closeness between strangers, not love. For a couple who already share a life, the point is different: the questions create the kind of conversation that everyday life never makes room for.
It's about showing yourself, not about the questions
What creates closeness isn't the exact questions. It's that both of you share something that matters to you, and that the other person listens and responds in kind. A question asked in passing, phone in hand, doesn't do the same thing. You can read about how the phone gets between two people in phubbing.
It also means you can write the questions yourself. Start with things that are easy to answer and let them become more personal. A few examples in the same spirit:
- What would you do with a free day with no demands at all?
- Which childhood memory do you often think about?
- What have you changed your mind about in the last few years?
- What are you most grateful for in your life right now?
- What's something you've never told me but want me to know?
Four ways to start
One question at dinner. For those of you whose conversations have gotten stuck in logistics. A single question that isn't about planning, and a follow-up question on the answer. It takes five minutes and breaks the pattern. First step: tonight, ask what the best part of the day was, and then why.
Questions in three rounds. For those of you who want to try the whole format. Write twelve questions in three rounds, from easy to personal, or use the 36 questions from the experiment, which are freely available online. Set aside 45 minutes, put the phones away and take turns. First step: pick an evening this week.
Ask about what went well. For those of you who mostly talk about what's wrong. How you respond when your partner tells you about something good means a lot for how things are between you, and it's covered in a happy relationship. First step: tonight, ask, "What happened today that made you happy?"
One evening a month. For those of you who want to take it further, and it's the most demanding path. Set aside one evening a month just for conversation, with new questions each time. Take turns writing them. Having a fixed date means it happens even when life is busy. First step: put the first evening in your calendar.
When the questions stir up something hard
Deep questions can bring up things that hurt, and that's not a sign that something went wrong. Take it slow, listen more than you answer, and let your partner skip a question. If the same painful things keep coming up, or you argue more than you talk, it may be worth seeing a couples counselor. If you're afraid of your partner, reach out to a health professional or a support organization where you live.
A first step tonight: ask your partner what the best part of their day was, then ask why.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Relationships, you'll find A conversation without your phone, ten minutes with your phone out of sight, and Say it out loud, where you count the times you express your appreciation instead of just thinking it. You log each time and see, week by week, that the conversations are actually happening. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you want.