Most of what gets written about relationships is about fighting: how to argue better, how to resolve conflict. But how things are between you also depends on something that gets far less attention: what happens when things go well.
A series of studies from 2004 showed that people who tell someone about something good that happened to them feel better, over and above the joy of the event itself. The effect was bigger when the other person responded with interest and encouragement. Couples whose partner tended to respond that way felt closer and were more satisfied with their relationship from day to day.
Pick a path based on how things usually are between you:
- Ask more when your partner tells you something good.
- Put your phone away when the other person is talking.
- Share your own news if you rarely talk about what's going well.
- Best part of the day every evening if you want to go further.
A first step tonight: when your partner tells you something good, ask two follow-up questions before you say anything about yourself.
Most of what gets written about relationships is about fighting: how to argue better, how to avoid conflict, what to say when things feel off. That matters. But how things are between you is also shaped by something that gets far less attention: what happens when one of you has good news to share. This article looks at what the research says about it, why it matters so much, and four ways to get started.
Good news grows when it's shared
In 2004, Gable and colleagues ran four studies on what happens when people tell others about something good that happened to them: a great day at work, a compliment, something that worked out. People who shared their good news felt better on those days, over and above the joy of the event itself. Telling someone made the good thing bigger.
But it depended on how the other person responded. The joy grew the most when the other person responded with interest and encouragement. In the two studies on couples, this was also linked to the relationship. Couples whose partner tended to respond that way felt closer, and married couples were more satisfied with their marriage from day to day.
Four ways to respond
The researchers sort responses into four types, based on two questions: is the response engaged or passive, and does it build up or tear down? Say your partner comes home and tells you they got praised for their work.
- Engaged and encouraging "That's great! What did they say? How did it feel?"
- Passive and encouraging "Nice." And then back to the phone.
- Engaged and discouraging "Does that mean you'll have even more work now?"
- Passive and discouraging "Guess what happened to me today."
Only the first response made the joy bigger and the relationship closer.
The surprise is the second response, the passive, encouraging one. "Nice" sounds kind, and most people probably think that's how they respond. But in the studies, only the engaged, encouraging response made a difference. A lukewarm "nice" didn't have the same effect.
The studies measured associations in everyday life, and they don't show that a single trick will save a relationship. But they point to something you can start doing tonight, without first having to resolve any conflicts. You can also read about how small moments of connection matter more than you'd think in the guide to relationships.
Four ways to start
Ask more. For you if you tend to say "nice" and move on. When your partner tells you about something that went well, ask at least two follow-up questions: what happened, how did it feel, what does it mean. Let them finish before you talk about your own day. First step: do it tonight, the first time something good comes up.
Put your phone away. For you if you listen with one eye on the screen. An engaged response means you actually have to listen, and it shows when you don't. When the other person starts talking, put your phone face down. There's more about phones between two people in phubbing. First step: pick a spot at home where your phone stays during dinner.
Share your own news. For you if you rarely talk about what's going well, maybe because it feels like bragging. If you don't share, the other person never gets the chance to be happy with you. Tell them about something good from your day, even if it's small. First step: tonight, tell them one thing that went well today.
Best part of the day. For the two of you if you want to go further, and it's the most demanding path because it means doing it every day. Every evening, you each share the best thing that happened that day, and the other person asks more. After a few weeks, looking for what's going well becomes a habit. First step: suggest it tonight and go first.
You'll find more ways to take your conversations deeper in questions to ask your partner.
When it's not enough
A better way of responding to good news goes a long way, but it doesn't fix everything. If you keep fighting about the same things, or being together has felt heavy for a long time, couples counseling can help. It isn't a last resort, just a way to get help talking. If you're afraid of your partner, or you're being controlled, threatened or hurt, reach out to a doctor or health professional or a support organization where you live. If it's an emergency, call your local emergency number.
A first step tonight: when your partner tells you something good, ask two follow-up questions before you say anything about yourself.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Relationships you'll find Say it out loud, where you count the times you actually express your appreciation instead of just thinking it, and A conversation without your phone, ten minutes of full attention. You log it each time and see, week by week, that it's happening. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you want.