Loneliness is the feeling of not having the connection you need. It isn't only about how many people you see: you can feel lonely in a crowded cafeteria and content with two close friends.
What helps is the surprising part. A review of 50 attempts to reduce loneliness found that the best-designed attempts with the biggest effect worked on how lonely people think about others, not on giving them more chances to meet. Loneliness makes you expect rejection more often, and that expectation can keep you stuck in it.
Choose a path based on what your loneliness looks like:
- Test the expectation if you believe others don't want to.
- One contact a day if you have people around you but don't reach out.
- Do something together if you're missing a sense of belonging.
- Guess and compare for two weeks if you want to go further.
A first step today: send a message to someone you miss, and before you do, write down how you think they'll react.
If the loneliness lasts a long time and affects your mood, your sleep or your energy, talk to a doctor.
Loneliness is the feeling of not having the connection you need. It isn't only about how many people you see. You can feel lonely in a crowded cafeteria or in a relationship, and content with two close friends. That's why many people assume the answer is to meet more people, but what helps most seems to start with how you think about others. This article shows what the research says about that and gives you four paths.
Loneliness is a signal
Loneliness hurts for a reason. It signals that a need isn't being met, a bit like hunger. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. Most people feel lonely at some point, and most don't talk about it.
But loneliness has a downside. In their 2011 review, Masi and colleagues summarize research showing that lonely people more often go into encounters with distrust, see themselves and others more negatively, and more often expect to be rejected. That makes sense: if you've been hurt, you become cautious. But that caution can turn into a trap. If you expect a no, you don't reach out, or you read a short reply as a rejection, and the loneliness is confirmed.
What reduced loneliness in the trials
Masi and colleagues went through 50 attempts to reduce loneliness and sorted them into four kinds: training social skills, providing more support, creating more chances to meet people, and working on how people think about others. They also compared how well the trials were designed.
Among the 20 trials where participants were randomly assigned to different groups, the average effect was small. But the four trials that worked on how participants thought about others, often with a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, reduced loneliness clearly more than the rest. The two that only offered more chances to meet had no reliable effect.
- More chances to meet No reliable reduction in loneliness.
- Working on how you think about others The biggest reduction of all the kinds.
Only four and two trials respectively, so the picture is preliminary.
The number of trials was small, and the review is from 2011. That doesn't mean meeting people is pointless. But it suggests that more get-togethers aren't enough if you walk in expecting that nobody wants you there. Often you need both: the opportunities, and a different way of seeing them.
Others are happier to hear from you than you think
Research on how we judge other people supports testing your expectation. People underestimate how much they were liked after a conversation, as described in making new friends. And they underestimate how happy the other person is to get an unexpected message, as described in the guide to relationships. Loneliness makes these misjudgments bigger, not smaller.
Four paths out of loneliness
Test the expectation. For you if you believe others don't want to. When you think "they probably don't want to," treat it as a guess, not a fact. Guesses can be tested. First step: write down one thought like that today and ask yourself what speaks for and against it.
One contact a day. For you if you have people around you but rarely reach out. A short message, a call, a question about how something went. It doesn't have to lead anywhere. First step: reach out to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.
Do something together. For you if you're missing a sense of belonging. It's easier to get to know people when you're doing something together than when you're only supposed to talk: a choir, a club, volunteering, a class. Pick something that happens every week. First step: find an activity like that near you and write down when it takes place.
Guess and compare. For you if you want to go further, and it's the most demanding path. For two weeks, before each contact, write down how you think the other person will react, and afterward, how it actually went. After two weeks you'll see how often your guess was too gloomy. First step: make your first note today.
When loneliness gets heavy
Loneliness that lasts a long time can affect both how you feel and how you sleep. Talk to a doctor or health professional if it has weighed on you for several weeks, if you feel down most of the time, or if you find it hard to get things done. Talk therapy can help, and it's exactly that kind of help that reduced loneliness the most in the trials. If you're having thoughts of harming yourself, get help right away. If it's an emergency, call your local emergency number.
A first step today: send a message to someone you miss, and before you do, write down how you think they'll react.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Relationships you'll find Reach out for no reason, where you write down who you contacted, and A conversation without your phone, ten minutes of full attention. You log each time and see, week by week, that the contact is actually happening. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you like.