Making new friends as an adult is harder than it was in school, and it's not because something is wrong with you. School handed you the same people every day. As an adult, you have to create the opportunities, and what stops many people is worrying about what the other person thinks.
That worry is mostly overblown. In several studies, strangers talked with each other and then guessed how much the other person had liked them. They consistently underestimated it, and among college students who moved in together, the error lasted for months. Other studies show that even conversations with casual acquaintances go hand in hand with feeling better that day.
Pick your path based on where you are:
- Become an acquaintance if you don't know anyone in a new place.
- Make it a habit if you have acquaintances but no friends.
- Invite first if you're waiting for others to reach out.
- Start something of your own if you want to take it further.
A first step today: say something more than hi to a person you often see but have never talked to.
Making new friends as an adult is harder than it was in school. School gave you the same people five days a week, year after year, and friendship came almost on its own. As an adult, most people have a job, a family and settled routines, and new people don't just show up. You have to create the opportunities, and what stops many people is worrying about what the other person will think. This article shows why that worry is usually overblown and why acquaintances matter more than you'd think, and it gives you four ways forward.
People like you more than you think
After talking with someone new, many of us replay what we said. Was that too much? Could they tell I was nervous? In 2018, Boothby and colleagues looked at how accurate these guesses are. Strangers talked with each other, and afterward both answered how much they liked the other person and how much they thought the other person liked them.
Participants consistently underestimated how much they were liked. The researchers call this the liking gap. It showed up in short and long conversations, in the lab and in an adult workshop. Among college students who shared housing, it persisted for several months, long after they had gotten to know each other.
- What you think They probably liked me a little, or not at all.
- What they actually think They liked you more than you realize, and enjoyed the conversation.
The gap keeps us from reaching out again, even though the other person would happily have said yes.
This matters because your guess shapes what you do next. If you think the other person didn't care, you don't reach out. And the other person, who is underestimating too, does the same. So taking the first step is rarely as risky as it feels.
Acquaintances count too
When we think about friendship, we think about close friends. But the road there runs through acquaintances: your neighbor, someone at the gym, a coworker from another department. In 2014, Sandstrom and Dunn showed that students were happier and felt more of a sense of belonging on days they talked with more classmates than usual. In a follow-up, the same held for adults' everyday conversations: even contact with casual acquaintances went hand in hand with feeling better socially and emotionally.
The studies show a link, not a cause, and they measured how people felt that day, not friendship. But they tell us two things. Small talk isn't meaningless. And every acquaintance is a potential friend, because research suggests friendship grows out of many hours spent together. You'll find how many hours in the guide to relationships.
Four paths to new friends
Become an acquaintance. For you if you don't know anyone in a new place. Go to the same place at the same time every week: the same class at the gym, the same café, the same choir or club. Repetition is what turns a face into an acquaintance. First step: choose a recurring activity and go this week.
Make it a habit. For you if you have acquaintances but no friends. The step from acquaintance to friend usually happens outside the setting where you met: a coffee after your workout, a walk after work. Suggest it simply, with a time. First step: ask an acquaintance if you two should grab coffee after the next time you see each other.
Invite first. For you if you're waiting for others to reach out. Remember the liking gap: the other person probably has the same hesitation you do. Send the message, suggest getting together, and expect some people to say no without it saying anything about you. First step: text someone you met recently and suggest something specific.
Start something of your own. For you if you want to take it further, and it's the most demanding path. Start a recurring thing others can join: a run every Sunday, a game night the first Friday of the month, a book club. Whoever runs something becomes a gathering point, and the fixed date means no one has to send a new invitation each time. First step: decide what, when and where, and ask two people.
If you feel lonely even with people around you, that's different from lacking friends, and it's covered in feeling lonely.
When it takes time
New friends don't arrive in a month. Expect it to take months of seeing each other regularly before an acquaintance becomes a friend. That's not a sign you're doing something wrong; it's how friendship grows. What makes the difference is that you keep showing up, and that you reach out again.
A first step today: say something more than hi to a person you often see but have never talked to.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Relationships you'll find Reach out for no reason, where you write down who you contacted, and A conversation without your phone, ten minutes of full attention. You log each time and see, week by week, that the connecting actually happens. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you want.