Tantrums are part of everyday life with young children. In a large study of preschoolers, just over eight in ten had tantrums sometimes, but fewer than one in ten had them every day. Most tantrums are also short: usually half a minute to a minute, and three in four were over within five minutes.
A tantrum is made up of two things that follow different curves. Anger peaks almost right away and then falls. Crying and the need for comfort build slowly and take over toward the end. That gives you a rule of thumb: while the anger lasts, keep your child safe and say little. When the sadness takes over, comfort them.
Pick your path based on where you are:
- In the middle of the tantrum: stay close and say one sentence.
- Once the anger has passed: comfort them and put the feeling into words.
- Before the next one: notice when tantrums tend to happen.
- When you're boiling over yourself: take one breath before you answer.
A first step today: decide on the one sentence you'll say next time, for example "I'm here. I'll wait."
If the tantrums happen every day, last a long time, come out of nowhere, or your child hurts themselves or others, talk to a doctor or other health professional.
Tantrums are part of everyday life with young children, and most are short: usually half a minute to a minute. A tantrum is made up of two things that follow different curves. Anger peaks almost right away and then falls, while crying and the need for comfort build slowly and take over toward the end. That gives you a rule of thumb for what to do when. This article walks through what happens during a tantrum, what's normal, when it's worth seeking help, and four paths depending on where you are.
Anger first, sadness after
In 2003, Potegal and Davidson asked the parents of 335 children between one and a half and five years old to describe their children's tantrums, then divided each description into half-minute segments. Two things turned out to drive the tantrums, and they were independent of each other: anger and sadness. Anger shows up as screaming, kicking, and throwing things. Sadness shows up as whining, crying, and the child seeking comfort.
In a second analysis of the same tantrums, the researchers tracked how they changed over time. Anger rose quickly, peaked at or near the start, and then fell. Crying and comfort-seeking, on the other hand, became more common the longer the tantrum went on. Most tantrums lasted half a minute to a minute, and three in four were over within five minutes. The most intense forms of anger became less common with age.
- The peak Anger reaches its peak almost right away: screaming, kicking, throwing.
- Anger falls It fades, even when that isn't visible yet.
- Crying takes over Sadness has built slowly and is now the strongest.
- The need for comfort Toward the end, the child seeks comfort more often.
Three in four tantrums were over within five minutes.
The study is based on parents' own descriptions and didn't test any method for handling tantrums. But the picture of two curves offers a practical rule of thumb, and that's our conclusion, not the researchers'. In the middle of the anger, explaining and negotiating don't get you far. When the sadness takes over, your child is looking for comfort, and comfort is the right answer.
What's normal, and what isn't
In 2012, Wakschlag and colleagues asked the parents of 1,490 preschoolers about their children's moods and tantrums. Just over eight in ten children had tantrums sometimes. Fewer than one in ten had tantrums every day.
The researchers distinguished between two kinds of tantrums. The ordinary ones came from frustration in predictable situations, like when play had to stop or the answer was no. The more concerning ones were unpredictable, long, or destructive. It's that difference, more than the fact that tantrums happen at all, that tells you when it's worth seeking help.
Two phases, two responses
In the middle of the anger, your job is to keep your child and everything around them safe, and to not become part of the storm yourself. Say little. Stay close, or nearby if your child wants space. Don't change the decision that set off the tantrum: you can comfort your child without giving in on what the tantrum was about.
Once the anger has passed and the crying takes over, move closer. Put what happened into words, briefly and without blame: "You got so angry when we had to leave." This is also when you can talk about what to do next time, but not until your child is calm.
That doesn't mean you have to stay unaffected. A tantrum stirs something up in most adults, and it's easy to meet anger with anger. How to hold limits without raising your voice is covered in the guide to parenting, and why harshness matters more than demands is covered in parenting styles.
Four paths, depending on where you are
In the middle of the tantrum. For you if you want to know what to do right now. Keep your child safe, stay with them, and say a single sentence, the same one every time. The fewer words, the less there is to react to. First step: decide today which sentence you'll say, for example "I'm here. I'll wait."
Once the anger has passed. For you if your child cries afterward. This is the time for comfort. Move closer, name the feeling, and hold off on the lesson until your child is calm. First step: next time, say what your child was feeling before you say anything else.
Before the next one. For you if you want fewer tantrums. Many happen in the same situations: when your child is hungry or tired, or when something fun has to end. You can prepare: give a warning before playtime ends, bring something to eat. First step: write down when the last three tantrums happened and what came right before.
When you're boiling over yourself. For you if you notice that tantrums stir up your own anger, and this is the most demanding path, because it's about you. Take a breath before you answer, and if you have time, take a step back. If it still goes wrong, repair it afterward. First step: decide what you'll do with your body next time, for example sit down.
When it's time to seek help
Talk to a doctor or other health professional if the tantrums happen every day, often last a long time, come without any visible reason, or if your child hurts themselves, other people, or things. Do the same if you yourself are worried or worn out, even if the tantrums seem ordinary. Help is available, both for your child and for you. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.
A first step today: decide on the one sentence you'll say next time, for example "I'm here. I'll wait."
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. If you add Parenting as its own area, you'll find Breathe before you answer and A calm no there as suggestions to make your own, so you can see over the weeks how often you managed to breathe before you answered. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you like.