Many parents of teenagers try to find out more by questioning, checking up and tracking. But research suggests that what parents actually know comes mostly from the teenager choosing to tell them, and that whether they tell depends on how the parent usually reacts.
In a study of 703 fourteen-year-olds in Sweden, parents' knowledge came mainly from what the teenagers themselves disclosed, and that was what was most clearly linked to less rule-breaking. In another study, which followed 982 young people over time, parents' negative reactions led the young people to feel controlled and to tell them less. Positive reactions led to more closeness and more sharing.
Choose your approach based on the situation:
- When they tell you something hard: thank them first, react second.
- When they don't tell you anything: talk side by side.
- When you're worried: say what you're worried about.
- When it's already gone quiet: start over with small things.
A first step today: the next time your teenager tells you something, say "thanks for telling me" before you say anything else.
If you notice signs that your teenager is struggling, talk to a doctor or health professional.
Many parents of teenagers try to find out more by questioning, checking up and tracking. But research suggests that what parents know comes mostly from the teenager choosing to tell them, and that whether they tell you next time depends on how you reacted last time. This article covers what two studies show, why staying calm doesn't mean everything is okay, and four approaches depending on the situation.
What you know comes from your teenager
For a long time, the advice to parents was to keep a closer eye on things. Studies showed that young people whose parents knew where they were and who they were with broke fewer rules, and the conclusion was that parents should monitor more.
In 2000, Stattin and Kerr questioned that. They pointed out that the studies measured what parents knew, but not where that knowledge came from. In their study of 703 fourteen-year-olds in central Sweden and their parents, the knowledge came mainly from the teenagers telling their parents things themselves, not from the parents' questions or rules. And it was precisely the teenagers' own disclosure that was most clearly linked to less rule-breaking and fewer contacts with the police. This held true according to both the teenagers and the parents, for both girls and boys.
The researchers concluded that tracking and surveillance are not the best advice for parents. What matters is understanding what makes teenagers want to share.
Your reaction decides next time
In 2010, Tilton-Weaver and colleagues followed 982 young people at three points in time. When parents reacted negatively to what the young people told them, the young people felt more controlled and less close to their parents. That in turn led them to share less and keep more secrets. When parents reacted positively, the young people felt closer to them, and shared more.
- Your teenager tells you About the evening, a friend or a mistake.
- You react Calmly and with curiosity, or with anger and interrogation.
- The feeling Closeness, or being controlled.
- Next time More shared, or more kept secret.
What you do with what you hear decides what you get to hear later.
These are associations over time, not an experiment, and teenagers differ: in the study, the young people's own personality traits affected how strong the pattern was. But it makes a practical point. Every time your teenager tells you something, it's also a test of what telling you costs.
Calm doesn't mean everything is okay
A calm reaction is not the same as approval. If your teenager tells you they were at a party where people were drinking, you don't have to pretend it was fine. But the order matters. If the first thing your teenager runs into is anger, that's the lesson they'll take away.
Start by receiving it: thank them for telling you, and ask how it went. Talk about consequences and rules later, when you're both calm. The rules can stay. What changes is that telling you isn't the thing that gets punished.
Four approaches, depending on the situation
When they tell you something hard. For you if you're hearing something you don't want to hear. Receive it first and react afterward. Thank them for telling you, ask a question, and hold off on what you think. First step: next time, say "thanks for telling me" before you say anything else.
When they don't tell you anything. For you if your teenager answers "fine" and disappears into their room. Conversations with teenagers happen more often side by side than face to face: in the car, in the kitchen, on a walk. Ask about something specific, not about their day in general. First step: ask your teenager to come along on an errand this week, with the radio off.
When you're worried. For you if you're thinking about reading their messages or tracking their phone. Instead, say what you're worried about and why, and ask what your teenager thinks is reasonable. If secret monitoring is discovered, it can cost more trust than the reassurance it gives you. First step: write down what you're actually worried about, and bring up one of those things this week.
When it's already gone quiet. For you if you've noticed your teenager has stopped telling you things, and this is the most demanding approach, because trust takes time to rebuild. Start small, with things that aren't charged, and respond warmly to whatever you hear. It can help to say that you want to do things differently than before. First step: ask about something your teenager enjoys, and listen without commenting.
If you notice signs that your teenager is struggling, withdrawing for a long time, has stopped eating or sleeping, or talks about not wanting to live, talk to a doctor or health professional. If it's an emergency, call your local emergency number.
A first step today: the next time your teenager tells you something, say "thanks for telling me" before you say anything else.
How warmth and expectations can go together is covered in parenting styles, and how to let go as your child grows in curling parents.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. If you add Parenting as its own area, you'll find The evening question, Phone-free time and Breathe before you answer as suggestions to make your own, so you can see over the weeks how often you actually talked. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you like.