Research on child-rearing often describes four parenting styles, sorted by two questions: how much warmth a child receives, and how clear the expectations are. The authoritative parent is both warm and clear. The authoritarian parent has demands without warmth, the permissive parent has warmth without demands, and the uninvolved parent has neither.
Study after study links the authoritative style with good outcomes for children. But the most useful finding is about something else. It isn't rules and supervision that are linked to children's problems. It's harshness: yelling, threatening and punishing, and controlling a child through guilt or by withdrawing love.
Choose your path based on where you're starting:
- If you're strict: keep the rule and add the reason.
- If you often give in: pick one rule and stick to it.
- If you don't have time: start with fifteen minutes a day.
- If things get harsh: take a breath before you answer, and repair afterward.
A first step today: the next time you say no, explain why in one sentence.
If you're worried about your child's well-being or behavior, talk to a doctor or health professional, or to your child's school.
Research on child-rearing often describes four parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved. They're built on two questions: how much warmth a child receives, and how clear the expectations are. The authoritative style, warm and clear at the same time, is linked in study after study with the best outcomes for children. But the most useful finding is a different one: it's not demands that are linked to problems, it's harshness. This article walks through the styles, what the studies do and don't show, and four paths depending on where you're starting.
Two questions, four styles
In 1966, psychologist Diana Baumrind described three ways parents guide their children. The authoritarian parent wants to shape the child to fit a fixed mold and values obedience. The permissive parent tries to be accepting, doesn't punish and makes few demands. The authoritative parent also sets direction, but explains the reasons behind the rules, listens to the child's objections and still holds firm to what's been decided.
Later researchers split the permissive group in two, because a parent can make few demands for two completely different reasons: because the parent is very involved and wants to be kind, or because the parent isn't involved at all. In 1991, Lamborn, Mounts, Steinberg and Dornbusch tested this classification on about 4,100 teenagers aged 14 to 18. The families were sorted by two questions: how involved and accepting the parents were, and how much they made demands and supervised.
- Authoritative Lots of warmth and clear expectations. Rules are explained.
- Authoritarian Clear expectations but little warmth. Obedience without explanation.
- Permissive Lots of warmth but few demands. The child decides most things.
- Uninvolved Little warmth and few demands. The child fends for themselves.
Warmth without demands and demands without warmth each come at a cost.
What the teenagers reported
In Lamborn's study, teenagers with authoritative parents scored highest on measures of social and psychological competence, and lowest on psychological and behavioral problems. For those with uninvolved parents, it was the reverse.
The two groups in between are more interesting. Teenagers with authoritarian parents did fairly well on measures of obedience and conformity to adult expectations, but had a poorer view of themselves than the others. Teenagers with permissive parents had strong self-confidence, but were more likely to use alcohol and drugs, more likely to break school rules and less engaged in school. So neither warmth nor demands was enough on its own.
The study relies on the teenagers' own view of their parents, at a single point in time. It shows associations, not what caused what.
Demands aren't the problem; harshness is
The largest body of evidence is a 2017 review by Martin Pinquart, which pooled 1,435 studies on parenting and externalizing problems in children and young people, such as aggression and rule-breaking. Warmth, clear rules and supervision, and giving the child room of their own were linked to somewhat fewer problems. The associations were small. The authoritative style pointed in the same direction.
The authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved styles were linked to more problems. But the strongest associations in the entire review involved two forms of control: harsh control, meaning yelling, threatening and punishing, and psychological control, meaning steering the child through guilt, shame or by withdrawing love.
Several of the associations ran in both directions. Parents' behavior affected their children's behavior, and children's behavior affected their parents. A child who acts out a lot makes it easier for a tired parent to turn harsh. That's no excuse, but it explains why it's so easy to end up there.
If you want to change something, this finding is a relief. You don't have to drop the rules to become warmer, and the rules don't need harshness to stick. Keep the expectations and lose the harshness.
Does this hold across cultures?
A common objection is that the classification comes from American families and doesn't fit everywhere. In 2018, Pinquart and Kauser reviewed 428 studies to test exactly that, across different groups in Western countries and in different parts of the world.
They found more similarities than differences. In every region, the authoritative style was linked to at least one good outcome for children, and the authoritarian style to at least one bad one, though the strength varied. The researchers concluded that the authoritative style can be recommended to parents worldwide, but that the authoritarian and permissive styles are less harmful in some cultural contexts than in others.
Four paths, depending on where you're starting
Most parents have traits of several styles, and the same parent is different on a restful Sunday than on a stressful Tuesday evening. Choose based on where you usually end up.
If you're strict. For you if you have clear rules and expect them to be followed. Keep the rules, but say why they exist and listen to the objection before you decide. In Baumrind's description, it's precisely the explanation and the conversation that separate the authoritative parent from the authoritarian one. First step: the next time you say no, explain why in one sentence.
If you often give in. For you if you're warm but find it hard to hold firm when your child protests. Pick a single rule that will apply, for example about bedtime or screens, and decide in advance exactly what you'll say when it's tested. First step: write down the rule and the sentence you'll use, tonight.
If you don't have time. For you if you're away a lot, or so tired that you mostly let things slide. This is rarely a style anyone chooses; more often it's a situation you've ended up in. Start with attention before rules: a stretch of time each day where you're fully present. First step: give your child fifteen minutes tonight, without your phone, where your child decides what you do together.
If things get harsh. For you if you yell, threaten or say things you regret, and this is the most demanding path, because it's more about you than about your child. Take a breath before you answer when voices rise, and repair afterward: say you're sorry, and say what you'll do differently next time. First step: think through today what you'll say the next time you've raised your voice.
If it's hard to stop, or you're worried about your child's well-being, talk to a doctor or health professional, or to your child's school. Help is available, and asking for it is part of parenting. If it's an emergency, call your local emergency number.
A first step today: the next time you say no, explain why in one sentence.
How to hold boundaries without raising your voice, and how to get more time with your child without adding more hours, is covered in the guide to parenting.
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