Many life goals get abandoned not because they were too hard, but because they were never really yours. They came from what others expected, what looks good, or what you felt you should want.
Research on goals points the same way. Students who set goals that matched their own interests and values put more effort into them over time and reached them more often. And when they reached them, they also became more satisfied with life than those who reached goals they had set for other reasons. So a goal that's truly yours has two advantages: it happens more often, and it gives you more when it does.
Choose a path based on where you are:
- Ask why five times if you're not sure the goal is yours.
- Sort your goals if you have too many.
- Turn the goal into a direction if it feels too big.
- One goal per life area if you want to take it further.
A first step today: write down one goal you have, and answer this question honestly: would I want this even if no one ever found out?
Many life goals get abandoned not because they were too hard. They get abandoned because they were never really yours. They came from your parents' expectations, from what your coworkers are doing, or from what looks good from the outside. When things get tough, there's nothing inside you holding them up. This article looks at what research says about your own goals versus borrowed ones, and offers four ways to set goals that last.
Goals that fit who you are
In 1999, Sheldon and Elliot set out to understand what separates goals that get done from goals that fizzle out. Across three studies, they followed students over time, had them set their own goals, and asked them to describe why they had those goals.
The difference came down to how well the goals matched the students' own interests and values. Those pursuing goals like that put more effort into them over time, and reached them more often as a result. And when they did reach them, they became more satisfied with life than those who reached goals they had set because they felt they had to, or because someone else wanted them to.
- Goals that fit who you are More effort over time, reached more often, more satisfaction when reached.
- Goals you think you should have The drive fades, and even when reached, they give you less.
A goal of your own pays off twice: it happens more often, and it gives you more.
The researchers explained the second part this way: your own goals give you more of three things along the way. They give you a sense of choosing for yourself, of getting better at something, and of connection with others. It isn't the goal itself that makes you satisfied, but the days on the way there.
The studies were done with American students and dealt with short-term goals, not whole lives. They don't tell you which goals to have. But they give you a simple question to ask before you set one.
Borrowed goals often feel like your own
The tricky part is that borrowed goals rarely feel borrowed. "I want to buy a house," "I want to become a manager," "I want to run a marathon": any of these can be deeply your own, or something you picked up without really thinking about it. You can't tell from the goal itself, only from the reason behind it.
One way to tell the difference is to ask whether you'd want it even if no one ever found out. Another is to notice how it feels to work toward the goal on an ordinary day. A goal of your own can be hard work but feels meaningful. A borrowed one mostly feels like an obligation. How to figure out which values are yours is covered in the guide to meaning.
Four paths to goals that last
Ask why five times. For you if you're not sure the goal is yours. Write down the goal and ask why you want it. Then ask why again about your answer, five times in all. If you land on something you genuinely care about, the goal is probably yours. If you land on "because it's expected," it's worth rethinking. First step: try it with one goal today.
Sort your goals. For you if you have too many. Write down every goal you have, big and small. Mark which ones you have because you want to and which ones you have because you feel you should. Let go of some of the second kind, or put them on hold. First step: write the list today.
Turn the goal into a direction. For you if your goal feels too big or too far away. A goal is something that ends once you reach it; a direction is something you can move toward every week. "Get fit and strong" becomes "move my body every day." First step: rewrite your most important goal as something you can do this week.
One goal per life area. For you if you want to take it further, and it's the most demanding path. Set a goal of your own for each part of life that matters to you: health, relationships, work, learning, your inner life. Make sure every goal holds up to the why question. How to see which areas have fallen behind is explained in the wheel of life. First step: choose three areas and write one goal for each.
When no goal feels important
Sometimes the hard part isn't choosing goals, but that nothing feels worth striving for. That can be a period of emptiness that passes. But if it lasts for several weeks and comes with low mood, fatigue, or a sense that nothing is enjoyable anymore, talk to a doctor or health professional.
A first step today: write down one goal you have, and answer this question honestly: would I want this even if no one ever found out?
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Meaning you'll find The compass, where every day you rate how closely you lived by your values, and the differences between days tell you more than any single day. You log every day and see, week by week, which way things are heading. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you want.