We regret the things we do wrong right away. We regret the things we never did for longer. That's the core of the research on regret: in the short term, our actions hurt the most, but when people look back on their lives, it's more often what they held back from that keeps nagging at them.
Newer studies have gone a step further. The regret that lasts longest is more often about who you wanted to become than about who you should have been. When we fail a duty, we usually face it and repair it. Dreams we never tried just sit there, and that's why we regret them longer.
Pick a path based on where you are:
- Write down what you keep putting off if you're waiting for the right moment.
- Do the smallest version if the dream feels too big.
- Repair what you can if an old regret weighs on you.
- Ask yourself about ten years from now if you want to go further.
A first step today: write down one thing you've long wanted to do but haven't, and the smallest first step toward it.
We regret the things we do wrong right away. A cruel word, a bad purchase, a decision that backfired: it stings that same evening. But when people look back on their lives, it's more often what they never did that keeps nagging at them. The trip that never happened, the program you didn't apply to, the conversation you never had. This article shows what research says about regret and why that kind lasts the longest, and it gives you four ways to regret less.
Actions sting, inactions nag
In 1995, Gilovich and Medvec summarized the research on regret in a review. The pattern was clear. In the short term, people more often regret what they did, their mistakes and missteps. But in the long term, looking back over years or a whole life, they more often regret what they didn't do.
They explained this with several factors. A mistake can often be repaired or learned from, and the pain fades. With the things we held back from, we never get to know how they would have turned out, and in hindsight they also seem easier than they really were. The action we didn't take grows in memory while the mistake shrinks.
- In the short term What we did wrong stings the most.
- In the long term What we never did weighs the heaviest.
The mistake shrinks in memory, the thing we didn't do grows.
Who you wanted to become
In 2018, Davidai and Gilovich went a step further in six studies. They asked people about their biggest regrets and sorted the answers into two kinds: regrets about not living up to their duties (who they should have been), and regrets about not living up to their dreams and goals (who they wanted to become).
The regrets that lasted longest were more often about who people wanted to become. The explanation lay in what people do about their regret. If we've failed a duty, like not visiting a sick parent, we often try to repair it or apologize. If we've failed a dream, we more often do nothing, and so it just sits there.
The studies are based on what people remember and report. They don't say duties are unimportant. But they do say something about where your attention is needed: the dreams you keep putting off are the ones most likely to stay with you the longest. How to see which goals are truly your own is covered in life goals.
Four ways to regret less
Write down what you keep putting off. For you if you're waiting for the right moment. Write down what you've long wanted to do but haven't: a trip, a course of study, a conversation, a hobby. Just seeing the list makes it harder to keep putting things off. First step: write down three things today.
Do the smallest version. For you if your dream feels too big. If you want to write a book, you can write a page. If you want to live abroad, you can go there for a week. The smallest version shows you whether you want more, and you don't have to keep wondering. First step: choose one thing from your list and write down the smallest version of it.
Repair what you can. For you if you're carrying an old regret. Some things can still be addressed: a conversation that never happened, an apology that was never made. Trying can bring relief in itself, no matter how it turns out. First step: choose one thing and write down what the first step would be.
Ask yourself about ten years from now. For you if you want to go further. This is the most demanding path, because it requires you to act on the answer. Before every bigger choice, ask: ten years from now, what will I wish I had done? Write down the answer before you decide. It often points toward the braver choice. You'll find more about big decisions and daring to choose in struggling to make decisions. First step: ask the question about a decision you're facing.
When regret takes over
Regret can be helpful, because it shows you what matters. But it can also get stuck. If you've been dwelling on the same thing for months, and it comes with low mood, shame or trouble sleeping, talk to a doctor or health professional. You can get help letting go of what can't be changed.
A first step today: write down one thing you've long wanted to do but haven't, and the smallest first step toward it.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Meaning you'll find The compass, where you rate each day how closely you lived by your values, and A still moment, ten minutes without input where the things you keep putting off have room to surface. You log every day and see week by week which direction things are going. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel anytime.