How to Build Self-Esteem: Four Exercises That Last

If you have low self-esteem, you probably think of it as a trait you either have or don't, a bit like your height. But self-esteem, the sense that you're okay as a person no matter how things go, can shift more than that. It's shaped by how you treat yourself, and that's something you can practice. The difference between self-esteem and self-confidence, and why chasing validation costs you, is covered in the guide to self-esteem. This article is about what happens when you practice, and it gives you four exercises to start with.

Why mental tricks are rarely enough

The most common advice for low self-esteem is to think positively about yourself: tell yourself you're good enough, write down your strengths. That can feel good in the moment. But if you truly doubt your worth, it can feel fake, like reading a script you don't believe. That doesn't make the advice wrong, but on its own it's rarely enough.

What tends to work better is acting like someone who takes themselves seriously, in small ways, again and again. Every time you treat yourself as someone who matters, it becomes a little more true, and after a while you no longer have to convince yourself.

You can raise your self-esteem as an adult

In 2021, Niveau, New, and Beaudoin pooled the results of 119 studies on interventions aimed at raising adults' self-esteem. The interventions raised self-esteem with a moderate effect. How much depended on the type of intervention, how it was delivered, how much contact participants had with the person leading it, and who the participants were. The researchers point out that many of the studies were small and that the research has gaps, so the numbers should be read with caution.

Still, the message matters: self-esteem isn't fixed. And it's worth working on. In 2022, Orth and Robins reviewed the research and found that healthy self-esteem goes hand in hand with better relationships, schooling, work, and health, even after accounting for how things looked beforehand.

Four exercises, from easiest to most demanding

Start with the one that feels doable. Stick with it for a few weeks before adding the next.

The friend letter. For you if you're hardest on yourself when something goes wrong. Think of something that went wrong recently and write a few sentences to yourself about it, the way you'd write to a friend in the same situation. What would you say about how it went, and about what that person is worth? First step: tonight, write five sentences about something from the past week.

Today's three. For you if your worth hinges on what you achieve. Every evening, write down three things you did that mattered to you. Not because they were impressive, but because they were yours: you listened to a friend, you went outside despite the rain, you said what you thought. This shifts your attention from results to direction. First step: write today's three tonight, before you go to bed.

One no a week. For you if you find it hard to say no. Saying yes to everything is often a way of earning your place. Each week, pick one thing you don't have room for and say no, briefly, without apologizing three times. It will feel uncomfortable, and that's part of the exercise. First step: write down one thing you've said yes to even though you didn't want to, and work out how you'll say no next time.

Receiving. For you if you want to go further. This is the most demanding of the four. Many people with low self-esteem can give but not receive. When someone praises you, just say thank you, without downplaying it or explaining it away. Ask for help with something once this week. This builds the sense that you deserve other people's care, not just that you can give it. First step: the next time someone says something kind about you, simply reply, "Thank you, that makes me really happy."

How to tell it's working

The change rarely shows up as a sudden insight. It shows up in small things: a critical comment stings for less time, rest feels less like something you have to earn and more like something you're simply allowed, and you say what you think more often. Each evening, rate how you've felt inside on a simple scale. After a few weeks, you'll see whether the curve is moving.

How self-esteem shows up in relationships, and what it does to them, is covered in the guide to relationships.

When it's more than low self-esteem

Low self-esteem and depression often go together, and sometimes it's hard to tell them apart. If you've been feeling low for several weeks, if you no longer have the energy for things that used to bring you joy, or if thoughts of not being good enough are taking over, talk to a doctor or health professional. Help is available, and this isn't something you have to solve alone. If you're having thoughts of harming yourself or of not wanting to live, contact a health professional the same day, or call your local emergency number if it's urgent.

A first step today: write five sentences to yourself about something that went wrong recently, the way you'd write to a friend.

This is the understanding, plus four exercises to start with. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. Under Inner State you'll find What do I need?, where you write down what you need and whether you can give it to yourself, and Inner weather, where you can see how things are inside over days and weeks. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel anytime.