When parents separate, it's easy to assume the separation itself is what affects the children most. Research points to something else that matters at least as much: how the parents handle the conflict between them. Children are affected by it whether their parents live together or not.
A review of the research shows that children's well-being, behavior, schooling and later relationships are affected by conflict between their parents, from silence to violence. A Swedish study of nearly 150,000 students found that children who lived alternately with both parents had fewer psychosomatic complaints than those who lived mostly with one parent, but more than children in two-parent families.
Choose your path based on where you are:
- If you can talk: agree on what matters most.
- If every conversation turns into a fight: keep contact written and factual.
- If your child carries messages: take them directly to the other parent.
- If you're in crisis yourself: get help for your own sake.
A first step today: notice whether your child carries messages between the two of you, and take the next message directly to the other parent.
If there is violence or threats, contact the police or call your local emergency number. If you're worried about your child's well-being, talk to a doctor or health professional.
When parents separate, it's easy to assume the separation itself is what affects the children most. Research points to something that matters at least as much: how the parents handle the conflict between them. Children are affected by it whether their parents live together or not. That's a heavy insight, but also a hopeful one, because the conflict is something you can still influence even after the relationship is over. This article covers what the research shows, how to keep your child out of the middle, and four paths depending on where you are.
It's how you fight, not just that you move apart
For a long time, research on parents' relationships and children's well-being focused mostly on two things: divorce and domestic violence. In 2018, Harold and Sellers summarized the research and pointed out that what affects children is how parents express and handle their conflicts, along a scale from silence to violence.
Children's emotions, behavior, social lives, schooling and future relationships were affected by conflict between their parents, regardless of whether the parents were married or separated, and regardless of whether the child was biologically related to them. One conclusion that's easy to draw, even though the review doesn't state it that way, is that a low-conflict separation may be better for a child than a high-conflict home together, and that a separation where the conflict stays high doesn't solve what needed solving.
What Swedish students reported
In 2015, Bergström and colleagues used a national survey in Swedish schools, covering 147,839 students in sixth and ninth grade, to compare children's psychosomatic complaints (physical symptoms that can be linked to how you're feeling) based on their living arrangements.
Children who lived alternately with both parents had fewer complaints than children who lived mostly or only with one of them. But they had more complaints than children who lived with both parents together. The differences weren't explained by how satisfied the children were with their finances or their relationship with their parents.
The study measured at a single point in time and shows associations, not causes. Families who choose alternating living arrangements may differ from others in ways the study didn't capture, such as how much conflict there is. The researchers themselves called for studies that follow families before and after separation. So it doesn't tell you which living arrangement is right for your child.
Your child shouldn't be in the middle
There are many ways to end up in conflict after a separation, and most of them aren't about the child. But the child can still end up right in the middle of it: as a messenger, as the one who overhears the arguments on the phone, or as the one who has to pick a side.
- Child in the middle Carries messages, hears the arguments and feels they have to choose.
- Child outside The adults talk to each other. The child gets to be a child.
The conflict between you affects your child, whether you live together or not.
Keeping your child out of it doesn't require you to agree, or even to like each other. It requires that you take the conflict up with each other rather than through your child, and that your child is spared from hearing what one parent thinks of the other.
Four paths, depending on where you are
If you can talk. For those of you who can cooperate without it turning into a fight. Agree on what matters most, such as bedtimes, screens and how you handle school, so your child meets the same boundaries in both homes. The rest can be different. First step: suggest a short meeting about a single issue this month.
If every conversation turns into a fight. For those of you whose contact always slides back into old conflicts. Keep it written, short and factual: times, pickups, school. Don't respond to anything that isn't about your child. First step: write your next message so it contains only facts, and read it through once more before you send it.
If your child carries messages. For you if you notice that messages pass through your child, in either direction. Take them directly to the other parent instead, and tell your child they don't need to carry grown-up questions. First step: deliver the next message directly, without going through your child.
If you're in crisis yourself. For you if you're in the middle of grief, anger or worry after the separation, and this is the most demanding path, because it asks you to seek help for your own sake. Counseling support for separating parents exists in many countries, often for free. First step: find out today where that kind of support is available where you live.
If there is violence or threats, contact the police or call your local emergency number. If you're worried about your child's well-being, talk to a doctor or health professional.
A first step today: notice whether your child carries messages between the two of you, and take the next message directly to the other parent.
How to take care of yourself when you're running on empty is covered in the guide to parenting, and how to talk with a teenager who won't open up in talking with teenagers.
This is the understanding and a first step. Atlas is where it becomes a habit. When you add Parenting as its own area, The evening question, What I noticed and Breathe before you answer are there as suggestions to make your own, so that over the weeks you can see how the moments with your child actually happened, in your home. Try Atlas free for 7 days, and cancel whenever you like.